United Airlines presents The Red Carpet Club

Hello internet, this is Alex. My debut on this blog that has already been polluted with far too many non-African posts will continue with that theme to reveal to you all that I have indeed found the earthly manifestation of the Viking Valhalla. Hammer of the Gods, drive my ship lands (specifically right next to Gate C16). Be not afraid! For inside those double doors lies the United Airlines Red Carpet Club. For those of you who have not been experienced, the Red Carpet Club (RCC) is United's Admiral's Club and it may be the single most wonderful place on planet Earth. Why we are leaving this bastion of elegance and leisure for a primitive world of dust is entirely beyond me.

The RCC is adorned with leather couches and chairs of every color, size, and sexual orientation, a full bar with two complimentary drinks, an espresso machine (the twelve steps will have to wait; I do not supremely love myself and will succumb to chasing my own liquid dragon), free WiFi, power outlets (how could it possibly have taken this long to get power outlets?), snacks of the both the healthy and lethal variety, plants that are either real or front runners for the Flora Oscars, and gorgeous views of...well...the tarmac. Shit, even the planes look nicer from here. I've spent the past 2 months decking out what will soon be a very nice apartment in Wicker Park, yet I think all of my efforts were in vain. Nothing could be nicer than this place.

It's very quiet here. You don't often get that in airports.

So this begins the trip of a lifetime, the opportunity to experience the mystery and majesty of nature at her finest: the male silverback gorilla. Pound for pound, these wrecking machines are unstoppable Olympians that would not hesitate to rend me limb from limb. Naturally, I can't wait to stand as close as ten feet from them. I will be forever indebted to my dad for ushering me into the world of the primates, provided I do not offend the gorilla family and ensure my swift demise.

I would like to wrestle a chimpanzee, an animal that we will most likely encounter frequently. Now, the actual chances of this bout ever occurring are exactly zero, but that does not prevent my wayward subconscious from wondering. Wikipedia says the largest chimps clock in at 150lbs, which is just below my fighting weight. So from a measureables standpoint, we are even. Everyone I have told this too has instantly denounced my plan, saying things such as, "Alex, this is a horrible, horrible idea" and "You moron, they will bite and claw your eyes out." Evidently they forgot that I once wrestled and almost won a match. I also destroyed my freshmen year of high school gym class "King of the Mat" competition. Take that, Sam. I think my resume speaks for itself. "Anything is possibleeeee!"

Unfortunately for all of those following this blog, both my father and I have way too many ideas and this blog makes it just too easy for us to share them with you unfortunate readers. Some will be entertaining, informative, and/or intriguing. Most will not. Sorry about that. But there should be plenty of great photographs(maybe movies) because unlike me, my father actually knows how to properly operate one of them picture making devices.

If we have internet access one of us will check in after what could be 26 straight hours of travel.
-ACB